


Brisé

by EthelPhantom



Series: The Constagami Series [2]
Category: Constantine (TV), DCU, Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, MariBat, One-Sided Attraction, Past Character Death, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26777446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: La douleur exquise[noun]FrenchThe excruciating pain experienced when wanting someone you cannot have.They were sentenced to remain this way and never change, and that was their curse. That was the one unchangeable fact and constant in their lives, and she knew it.There was simply no way out.
Relationships: John Constantine/Kagami Tsurugi, John Constantine/Zatanna Zatara (mentioned)
Series: The Constagami Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967962
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Brisé

**Author's Note:**

> Brisé is French and means broken. It was taken from a song by the same name that I was listening to way too much while writing this. 
> 
> And no, I cannot get enough of Constagami. Now you have to bear with it too.

Kagami stood at the doorframe, watching the man who liked to say he was all arrogance and trenchcoat, defeated. He was holding a small photograph in his hands, a photograph of a smiling woman with long, black hair, fishnets, and blue eyes. She knew this despite hardly being able to see it due to the lack of light. The room was barely lit, only the light of the moon coming through the dirty window and the torn, slightly burnt curtains. Even so, it wasn’t too difficult to notice the particles of dust floating in the air, even easier to see with the moonlight. 

She wanted to approach John — he was her friend, after all. She wanted to be there for him despite not knowing for certain what it was this time pulling him down. There were so many possible options. A failed job, past trauma (he did have many of them, after all), lost friends (and even more of them), betrayed trust… anything, truly. 

But it was somewhat clear that Kagami needed to do something. He was  _ her friend a _ nd if she had learnt anything about friendship over the years, it was that you did not leave them alone when the world was weighing them down. Not unless they specifically asked, at the very least. 

Because that was all they were. 

Friends. 

_ And sometimes Kagami was not certain he even counted her as a friend of his.  _

She still stuck around. 

“...John, is there anything I can do for you?” she asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. Even then her tone felt ear-shattering in the silence of the night. Far too loud. 

He shook his head, finally looking at her. His icy eyes felt like they could pierce into her soul, and truly, she was sometimes unsure if she would have even minded. After all, sometimes, when the night was the darkest and her heart felt like it was falling and falling and falling, only falling until it would finally crash and take her life, sometimes she wished he knew how she felt. 

But she knew she could not tell him, not when he was in pain. 

(Which, in the end, was always.)

Kagami had, after all, seen how that had ended once already. She didn’t want a repeat of it. 

“Nah, Luv, there isn’t. Sweet of you to ask though. Has the Ice Queen’s cold heart finally melted enough to show me some love?” he snorted, and Kagami felt like her heart was in someone’s — perhaps John’s — grasp, being squeezed dry, squeezed so tight it was only painful.    
  
She knew he didn’t mean it like that, but… It hurt because she loved him, she truly did, and it was difficult keeping it all hidden.    
  
_ It wasn’t like she hadn’t lost the fight for his heart a long time ago.  _

So, keeping up the façade and the pretense and all the walls she had built up, Kagami gave John a small smirk. “You certainly wish so. Now, what is going on or must I sit us both down with a cup of tea until you finally talk?” 

A sigh. A deep, deep…  _ pained _ sigh. “It’s just Zee. You know,” he said, gesturing meaninglessly around, “after that fight. I guess it’s just that I miss seeing her face and hearing her go on and on about her bloody Lunchables.”

Oh yes. Because Miss Zatanna was no longer there. Because Miss Zatanna would never be there again. Because John and Kagami had witnessed Zatanna get hit and fall over the edge and into the deep sea. Because the last time they had seen her was as she fell and fell and fell and they failed to save her. Because Miss Zatanna’s expression had been full of horror until cold, bitter, deep,  _ forlorn  _ acceptance took over her gaze and features and she was under the waves. Because they had found her dead body. Because she had not died from the fall or from hitting her head. Because she had not died painlessly. 

Because she had died from something piercing her chest and heart. 

Because  _ they should have been able to save her.  _

They had not been. 

Because Miss Zatanna was dead.

“I know,” Kagami whispered, looking away and swallowing the lump in her throat. She didn’t have a right to love him. Didn’t have a right to tell him. Didn’t have a right to  _ him.  _

She needed to be content with him even letting her close to him. 

She needed to. 

There was no other option. 

There had never been any other option.

They stayed there in silence, the darkness deepening with each passing second, minute and hour. The only thing audible in the entire room was their breathing and their heartbeats. Their own, cold, bitter, regretful heartbeats that both of them wanted gone. The only difference between the two of them was that he loved someone who was dead, someone who was no longer there and would never be, but who Kagami knew would have returned his feelings should he have ever been bold enough to tell her. 

Kagami, on the other hand, was in love with someone who was alive but out of her reach. Someone who was there, only barely far enough that she could not simply bend over to be able to touch him, someone who would be there longer than he wanted to, and someone that would never return her feelings should he ever decide herself impolite enough to tell him. 

She didn’t know how long it had been, but finally, John cleared his throat, breaking the silence that was suffocating her. 

“Hey, Luv, have you ever got your heart broken?” he asked, shifting enough so that she would have space on the bed of the cold room, and Kagami tilted her head, as though trying to think as she let her feet lead her to the seat and be next to the one she cared about far more than she should have. 

She knew the answer immediately. 

“Yes, I suppose I have”, Kagami said, sitting down next to John and leaning against him just a little. She could not look at him as she said those words, feeling as though she didn’t deserve to say them. Not to him. It wasn’t his fault, after all.

Except in a way, it was. 

In the end, though, he did not know she was in love with him. 

He had never intended for her to fall for him.

And so she continued, trying her damnedest to keep her voice steady and neutral. She should not allow hurt to seep into her tone, could not allow him to find out anything. 

_ How annoying it was that he was smart, far smarter and wiser than most realised, than he let most know. There was always a chance he would find out no matter what she tried. _

“Every single day, in fact. Day after day, and all the days following those.”

John raised a brow at her. “Oh, really?” he asked, letting out a short, humourless laugh. “How so?”

And so Kagami looked at him. He looked at him and looked at how the moonlight lit up his hair, how it turned the blond strands silvery, how he looked so beautiful. Ignored how badly it hurt, ignored how much she would have liked to tell him, how much she would have liked to kiss away all that hurt him so that he would not need to bear the cross anymore, at least not alone, ignored the way her heart ached as the weight of her love crushed her chest from the inside.    
  
Ignored how she would have preferred to choke because it would have hurt less, it would have hurt a shorter time. 

_ At least choking would kill her. _

And she kept looking at John and blinked away the tears burning in her eyes that threatened to spill and flow down her cheeks, and bit down the sob in her throat that almost escaped from her lips until she almost choked on it. 

“The one I love… They never knew how much I loved them until it was too late,” Kagami whispered, smiling sadly. John nodded, opening his arms a little to show that she could have a hug if she’d like to, that he was there for her. 

It was all so wrong. 

She was there to help him, not the other way around. 

She should not use him — the one she was in love with and the one that was the cause of her heart shattering into pieces each and every single day — for her comfort, should not let him comfort her. That way, she would never be allowed to get over him and find her peace. 

It didn’t matter. Kagami wasn’t strong enough, and she fell into his arms, her body trembling just a little with the sobs she could not control, not when he was there, embracing her. Not when he had caught her, not when he didn’t seem like he was about to let go anytime soon. 

_ But the problem was. Yes, he had caught her this time, but he would not be there to catch her or her heart as she kept on falling and falling and falling for him because of his wit, his intelligence, his horrible sense of humour, his determination to help in his own ways, his smile. His everything. He would not be there to catch her, and he would not be there to fall with her.  _

_ Because after all, he was in love with Miss Zatanna, and with her dead, there was no easy way for him to get over her.  _

And so for some reason, somehow, Kagami knew they would always remain this way with no way to change or get away from their feelings, one of them hopelessly in love with someone who was no longer there — someone who could no longer breathe —, and the other one desperately in love with someone who was always there but would never  _ see  _ her — someone who was and would always love someone else. 

They were sentenced to remain this way and never change, and that was their curse. That was the one unchangeable fact and constant in their lives, and she knew it. 

There was simply no way out. 

_ “... _ **_I_ ** _ was too late.” _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, dear ones! 
> 
> You can also find me on my [tumblr](https://ethelphantom.tumblr.com/) if you want to scream at me about DC, Maribat or Code Geass! 
> 
> I can be found on my art instagram [here](https://www.instagram.com/daicrimeth/?hl=en) as well, so yelling at me there is also ok


End file.
